I Never Really Knew
by Dark Shadows aka Shade
Summary: *Next chapter up!!!* Who is Heero Yui? Does anyone truly know? Does anyone know who is behind that beautiful and cruel unemotional mask of hers? Please tell me if i should keep going or not
1. I Never Really Knew: Who I Was

Hi this is my first fic and I would like to know if this is worth it to continue or not. Please email me at destinys_fate@gundamwing.net I would be much obliged for your reviews and opinions.  
  
  
  
  
  
I am perfect. I am the perfect solider. That is what they want me to be and so I am. I ignore my memories, the one where I was a princess, the one where I was a warrior named sailor moon later to become a queen, and the many others where I was reborn to fight to be the light in the world. Why must this happen to me? They all expect something of me and so I do what I am expected to, I don't feel I don't let my emotions rule me.  
  
Is this perfection? Is this what is needed this time around? Why can't I find eternal rest? Must I continue this offal charade? Is this what I wanted when I vowed the day I became queen to always protect the innocent, my people? Well I guess so.  
  
  
  
  
  
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Someone banged on the door continuously.  
  
"Heero! Help me! Wu-mans trying to kill me!" screamed an over enthusiastic pilot.  
  
"Hn."  
  
"Duo, Heero it is time for dinner. Duo could you possibly pass it on to Wufei?" asked the ever polite Quatre.  
  
"Sure Q-man!" said Duo.  
  
  
  
DINNER*  
  
  
  
We all sat at the table and though there was four others sitting near me I felt alone, the feeling almost engulfed me. I saw Quatre's head shoot up and stare at me with shock and worry. Questions whirled through my head, answers that will never be given plague my thoughts scratching and clawing like a wolf killing its prey. I felt dizzy and I was falling as why's kept going through my mind.  
  
"Heero. Heero. are you alright."  
  
Voices of people swirled around my head most filled with worry. Who am I? I barely even know anymore. They all swarmed around me the blue eyes of Quatre, they looked as innocent as mine once did. Duo's eyes came into view next; he was just like I used to be. I used to be able to light up a room whenever I walked in but now, now they all tremble in fear. Was this what I was meant to be? Wufei eyes came into view and I could see the grudging concern that had entered his eyes, eyes that once thought nobody deserved respect no even me. Trowa looked into my eyes and for once I knew that I belonged that I was loved, because they cared. They all cared.  
  
"I have never been alright." I said my voice wavered with emotion I had to suppress for so many years. Years that I spent with Dr.J after the real Heero Yui died in training.  
  
They all widen their eyes at my response.  
  
"Who are you?" asked the silencer.  
  
I smirked, "Who am I? I never really knew." 


	2. I Never Really Knew: That They Cared

Hello fellow ff.net'ers please I ask you vote on who Usa is to be with  
  
Trowa  
  
Duo  
  
Quatre  
  
Wufei  
  
This decision rests squarely on your shoulders. (Don't buckle under the pressure)  
  
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I woke up the next morning and I saw that Duo was beside the bed. He had fallen asleep looking after me. Or was he on guard duty. I can never be sure with these boys. I looked down at my attire and I realized that I was still in the clothes that I had been in last night. I sighed in relief at that.  
  
  
  
"Duo." I said in my monotone nudging the slumped pilot of Deathscythe.  
  
  
  
"Huh, what?" he said confused at his current surroundings.  
  
  
  
  
  
What was I doing here with them now? I should know by now that I must work alone. Damn you Heero Yui! Why did you leave me alone? Why did that damn doctor have to use me? Why am I not aloud to cry? I walked into the bathroom while I left the now sleeping Duo. Did that boy ever stay awake? When I got to the bathroom I looked in the mirror. I could not help it I screamed. My once short brown hair was still short yet it was more blond and silver than brown.  
  
  
  
Three boys ran into the room and the other woke up with a start from the yell that I had made. I closed and locked the bathroom door. What else was there to do? I looked around the bathroom looking for some escape. My thoughts turned inward as I let my body control what was happening it always knew what to do long before I could have thought it.  
  
  
  
  
  
I saw the window and knew that was my one way of escape. I jumped putting my arms in front of my face and listened as the glass shattered, sounding like tinkling belles against my ears. I barely felt the cuts that caused my blood to run rose red down my unprotected arms.  
  
  
  
  
  
I can hear them scream for me and search out the very window I had jumped from. Of course if any of them tried the four-story jump they would be dead but since I am who I am I live.  
  
  
  
  
  
Why must I continue as I am? Why can the world not let me be? Why can I not die a peaceful death with out having to worry that I would be reborn once again just to be fight for the world? Is this what was wanted for me?  
  
  
  
  
  
They are behind me now and I know that they are gaining but what do I care? I feel the air around me grow heavy, I could not breath, and everything was slowly fading. I looked at those behind me. They all looked worried even Wufei,  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I never knew. . .  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
That anyone could care.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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Hello peeps~ So what's up? Anyway I can't wait for more reviews and honestly if you think that this fic sucks tell me to my face please. 


	3. I Never Really Knew: That I Was Free

Is it me that I run from or is it what I feel that keeps my legs moving? The air rushes through me, can I continue? Of course I can, I always can. Their eyes haunted my fitful nightmare. I feel nothing and everything.  
  
My eyes open to the world and I see Trowa sitting on a chair next to my bed, the others in further inspection are on the floor slumped and asleep. I look at Trowa who only now is awakening. His green eyes stare at me as if he does not know me anymore.  
  
"Who are you?" he asked in a quiet voice, yet it held dark promise.  
  
"I am who I was made to be."  
  
"Are you the boy we know or are you an imposter posing as Heero Yui?"  
  
By now all the boys were awake to here our conversation. They look on curiously and coldly detached.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"What is the yes for Yui? Or are you someone else." Asked Wufei.  
  
"To both."  
  
"Explain." The same way I say it all the time, I look at Trowa he is not ready may never be ready to be the leader.  
  
"I have been your companion through this war, but I am not Heero Yui."  
  
"How is that possible." Asked the polite Quatre I could feel him trying to read my emotions and I broke off.  
  
"Do not do that again," I said as I glared at him, " Heero Yui was weak and could not take what I did."  
  
Wufei interrupted me, "Heero Yui is not weak."  
  
"I am glad you think so highly of me Wufei."  
  
"But you said you are not him so why would wu-man be complimenting you?" asked Duo.  
  
"Heero Yui, I hate him, hate his name, died in training with Dr.J I was the child of one of the mechanics that had recently died while working on the Gundam. He took me in two months before the death of the true Heero Yui. He was desperate, so desperate that he took in a girl and made her give up any hopes and dreams she had. All that his left is a broken shell."  
  
They looked at me and I shrugged it off walking to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror once more and this time I did not bother to scream. What was the point I had silver and gold hair that at the moment went to my mid back. Duo came in and though I did not scream his reaction all but made up for it.  
  
He screamed bloody murder. The others raced to the door when they saw me it was as though that while we talked they had not seen the difference in me.  
  
"I was going to take a shower and I will take one whether or not you remove yourselves from the room."  
  
They all looked at me dumbfounded as I slipped the shirt that covered my chest. They all stared in shock as I slowly unbound the layers of wrapped material that held the evidence of my femininity when I was finished quatre was red and the others were looking away while do looked on in clear interest.  
  
I shrugged. And unbuttoned my pants not even caring when he started drooling as I slipped the last remaing article of clothing from my body.  
  
"It is dishonorable to strip in front men not your husband."  
  
"That is probably true but one learns to ignore when they become the object of old an man's twisted fantasies."  
  
I heard gasps from all of them but I did not turn around. I wondered at what shocked them more my statement or the lines of scars that ran down my back.  
  
"I guess I should be grateful that he mostly went for boys so that at least one part of me is not broken and mine to give." I said this without emotion, almost detached from the world.  
  
"What is your name?"  
  
"you know nobody thought to ask me that after He died. The name I was born with is Usagi."  
  
"Don't you know? Don't you know Usagi that your free?" asked Wufei with compassion and sympathy and over all understanding for what I had lost, his voice was gentle and unlike anything I had ever heard.  
I never really knew  
That I was Free.  
  
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that is another chap. Can't wait for those reviews (Hint hint) any way tell me what you think.  
  
Votes so far.  
  
Duo: 1 Wufei: 5 Trowa: 2 Quatre: 0 


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